Sunday, November 23, 2014
Subject: Grandma's Invitation (READ - Priceless)
Grandma's Invitation (Priceless)
I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last
Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with
me for my favorite holiday.
Dinner is at .
Arrive late and you get what's left over.
Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions
and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut
oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I
add to the carrot soup.
Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at someone's
house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God,
I thought you might have learned after two wives - date them longer and save
us all the agony of another divorce.
Now, the house rules are slightly different This year because I have decided
that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and
red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and
that will be your problem to deal with.
1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays
off during the meal.
2. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles
because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two.
Parents can fill a child's cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names
on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills.
3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when
your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front
door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself
some time, honey. You've never been a good cook and you shouldn't bring
something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.
4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of
life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat
whatever they like as long as they finish it.
5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being a
vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg
salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease
in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural.
And as far as being healthy... look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I
6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.
8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you
can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.
9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I
have nice things and I don't put them away just because company is coming
over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.
10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived
too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of
letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that.
11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don't need to
bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And if I did tell you
to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn't
have to be difficult.
12. Domino's and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or
an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's true now that
you have kids.
13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not
showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.
In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer.
Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs
to be the designated driver.
I really mean all of the above.
Love You, Grandma
Friday, November 21, 2014
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Friday, November 14, 2014
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